Where do you begin?

 That's the question I've been asking myself for months now.  I've been here before and I keep wondering how in the heck did I do it?  How did I turn it all around?

I know what you're thinking.  It's easy! Just put one step in front of the other and just go.  It sounds simple enough.  And it really should be.  I mean, I have done it before.  But honestly folks.  It's terrifying.  I'm not sure if you have ever saw the movie "Brittany Does A Marathon" (if you haven't, it's a fantastic movie and I highly recommend it), the entire movie hits home but there is one scene that resonates with me. 

Brittany realizes that she needs to make a change.  She's made the decision, but as she walks toward her front door she just stares at it, and the door knob is just staring right back at her.

Folks...

I'm staring at the door knob.  Every day.

I stare at my swimsuit hanging on the back door that I barely fit into.

I stare at my trainer just sitting there, almost teasing me to get on it.

I know I just need to grab that door knob and open the damn door, but when you open the door, you open yourself up to failure.  And I think that's why I'm terrified.  What if I can't do it?  I mean, when I open the door I just putting myself all out there.

I play the comparison game.  I compare myself to others, I compare myself to me; the other me.  The one that came back from a crappy marriage, 180 pounds and unhealthy to a half marathon, full marathon, to sprint triathlons to the big one, Ironman Lake Placid in 2018.

After 2018, I'd been chasing that finish line.  That entire trip was so special and absolutely perfect.  I was with one of my absolute closest friends.  My Pea and I just got "back together" after our "break" as we like to say.  I was with my family and friends and I couldn't have asked for a better race, a better post race, the road trip....everything was perfect.  Even driving home in the monsoon on bald tires in a JEEP that was determined to kill me.  I've been trying to replicate that race everywhere I went and though the races that came after were fantastic (IMMT I'm looking at you!), nothing has compared.

Then COVID hit. At first I took the time off to get my back straightened out which was plaguing me for a few years.  And then I just took time off.  There were meager tries to get back into it, but honestly folks, my heart wasn't in it.  FOMO dictated what I signed up for because it's true, racing with friends is always better and I was still chasing that first time.  2021 came, I had signed up for Lake Placid again...and I bailed.  2022 came, and I thought I would try again and it would be my swan song.  But training was hindered by working 2 jobs, being exhausted, female maladies (sorry gents...) and honestly, looking back, my heart wasn't in it.  So I bailed again.  I know it was the right decision.

But here I am.  Still staring at the damn door knob. 

And trust me. I'm getting irritated with myself.  A friend told me I needed to find a new dragon to slay.

Who knew a dragon could take the form of a door...